Plastic Free July

 Plastic Free July is here! If you are unfamiliar with Plastic Free July, it started with a few people in Australia who challenged themselves to see if they could get through all of July without using single-use disposable items (straws, plastic grocery bags, take-out containers, etc.). The movement's founder has written a phenomenal book about the beginning of the movement and how it has grown. I recommend it to anyone wanting to find small ways to be more eco-friendly.

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As an eco-nerd, this is my favorite month. I am typically all for cutting down on my wastefulness and helping the planet, but I love the extra challenge of being extra intentional during July. It is almost like New Year’s for eco-nerds because it reminds us of where we may have let things slide in our mission to better care for the planet. This isn’t the time when we talk about driving less, eating organic foods, and composting. Those are all helpful to the earth, but July focuses on the single things we regularly use once and then throw away. The small things that make big problems in our sewers and oceans.

When we started participating in Plastic Free July, we discovered that those solutions fit pretty well into our household routines. And many things that were a July idea became a permanent fixture in our home. All month on my Instagram, I am sharing some of my favorite ways to single-use plastic-free if you want to check them out. Some include things you’d expect, like travel mugs, but some might surprise you, like dryer balls and microwave popcorn bags.

While transitioning to these items has made progress in living a greener, more eco-friendly life, it has also helped us live a greener, more economically friendly life. When we replace single-use items with reusable solutions, we are not repeatedly buying items; we buy once, and we’re done. So, instead of buying a $4 box of dryer sheets every month, you can buy a $4 set of dryer balls once and use them forever; that is a $44 savings in just your first year of using them! Or consider the way that you grocery shop. By purchasing items in glass jars or your lunchmeat in plastic containers, you have now bought groceries and reusable containers for leftovers and lunches. Buy the food and get the container for free!

I understand that this is not for everyone. And I understand if you think I’m crazy for loving a movement like this so much. I also understand that you might want to do more, but your budget or partner is unwilling to let you try. I say do what you are willing to do with your available resources. If you’re looking for budget-friendly ways to get started but need some help, I’d love to help you.

Cutting out Food Waste

 Today is Stop Food Waste Day. This is something near to my soul. I see so much food waste in the world, and it agitates me. Food waste is a large-scale global issue, and our entitled American lifestyles cause us to have blinders to this problem.

My husband and I also had many years early in our marriage when we couldn’t even afford to think about wasting food. It was a time of frustration but also a time of creativity. So here are the tricks we’ve used over 20 years of marriage to ensure we’re not wasting food.

• Make your own broth. Save your vegetable scraps and meat bones, then cook them in water all day.

• Save your bread heels to make bread crumbs. Dry them out and run them through the blender before storing them in a jar.

• Save your citrus peels. Dry and blend for homemade lemon/orange peel for baking; add to your tea or use as a cocktail garnish.

• Take an inventory of your pantry, freezer, fridge, etc. Anywhere you store food, go through it and make a list of everything you have. Then see what you can meal plan out of those things or…

• Skip grocery shopping for a week and use what you already have at home.

• Properly store your food in your refrigerator or freezer. If you want tips, you can find them all over Pinterest, or you can grab a copy of Fridge Love by Kristen Hong

• Use the discount shelves in your grocery store. The foods put there will be thrown out if not sold, so why not grab a cheaper pantry staple with a dented corner instead of sending it to the trash? This is usually how I find treats for my family that I don’t tend to buy regularly because they’re less expensive, and I’ll be more willing to splurge on them.

• Eat your leftovers or learn to cook for just the amount of mouths you feed for each meal.

• Use your freezer. Some of the current leftover treasures in my freezer include leftover squash soup, leftover coffee, an extra loaf of berry breakfast bread, lemon juice cubes, and a partial bag of hotdog buns. If you can freeze it, do it so you don’t lose your food.

• Minimize your shopping. It is better to return to the store than throw things away. And you probably pass some type of grocery store on your commute anyway.

• Donate or give away your excess. Give to a food bank. Take extra baked goods to first responders or organizations. Send your dinner guests home with leftovers.

• Get creative. Try to use a mundane ingredient in a new way. If you have a little bit of cheese that needs to get used, put it in your mashed potatoes; a can of beer sitting in your fridge that you don’t want to drink, put it in your next pot of stew; the creative possibilities are endless.

• Learn about what you have. Did you know that carrot greens are part of the parsley family? That means you can keep those greens and use them like herbs!

What else can you think of doing? What do you do to cut food waste? Let me know in the comments because I’m always up for a new idea. Now go save food and the planet!

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Breaking Cycles Through Books

 I have read many books over the last few years about revisiting the past, making amends, righting wrongs done to others, etc. I wonder if this generation is breaking cycles through books.

So many of my age, and the ages of the authors writing these books, grew up with the toxically selfish parents of the 1980s. The ones who regularly declared, "Do as I say, not as I do," and built our relationships on fear and hypocrisy. As our generation has been more vocal about mental health and our childhoods, as we've been more likely to go to therapy and work through things, we are becoming cycle breakers. And this generation of writers is showing that in their books.

We have writers creating characters who apologize for their wrongs and try to make amends, and not always on their deathbeds. They have characters like Hannah in The Summer Pact, who evaluated her family and her fiance and determined they all needed to go because their toxic narcissism was ruining her life. They are taking responsibility for their actions. And because books have to have happy endings, things are resolved, but they also lead you to believe that things could have gone the other way and maybe not had forgiveness granted.

I realized that I have been devouring these stories because they are mine. In trying to break my own toxic childhood cycle, I have hurt my children in other ways, and I am actively working to repair those parts of our relationship. I have also stood up for myself and removed cancerous people from my life through boundaries of varying degrees based on their level of toxicity. Seeing someone like me on the page gives me hope, reassurance, and validation that I am doing the right things.

As we move through the new year and all the new it is bringing to our lives and our communities, maybe we can use these characters as inspiration to be better.

A Well-Trained Wife

 I just finished reading Tia Levings's intense memoir, A Well-Trained Wife, and I need to write a review for it, but I'm having a hard time putting things into words. This one hit extremely close to home, and I think I am fearful of putting that all on paper and out into the world.

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This woman grew up in church being taught the exact same things I was during my youth group years and into college. She was in a stricter church, a more fundamentalist church, but the teachings were essentially the same. Now, every person translates and understands their own way, but within the church, the teachings about women are only taught with one perspective, across the board, with the loudest voice: women are nothing without men, and we are only here to serve them. Some places and people find a healthy balance to this teaching, but many others within the evangelical church do not. Tia's husband and social group did not find that healthy balance; theirs was extreme, toxic, and abusive. Her husband's requirements of her as a biblically submissive wife nearly killed her.

My husband sees us as partners; there was never any expectation of me other than doing what was essential to care for our home and our children, and since I was a stay-at-home mom, he trusted my judgment on what that looked like. But that was not always my life. I grew up in a toxic, mentally abusive household. Many things that Tia experienced from her husband with mental and emotional manipulation I experienced with my parents. Many of her experiences with her pastors and fellow church members, her friends, I experienced with mine as well. She and I read the same books--encouraged by the church--about marriage, parenting, and managing a household. And those books did more damage to us as we tried to follow the teachings so that we would have the perfect Christian home.

As I said, my husband was completely different than hers, and after nine years of marriage, parenting, and overbearing church life, we walked away from all things church related. That decision has saved my sanity and possibly my marriage. But things were not an instant fix. Even now, twelve years later, I still struggle with the expectations I perceive. Our parents and some siblings don't understand, nor do they try to understand, why we left and will never go back. These are the same people who enforced, encouraged, and carried out toxic and abusive behaviors. They see this choice as being disobedient to their teachings and expectations. They want us to submit to their requests of going to visit them so that they can try to manipulate me again. They get angry that I won't do as they ask. Some days are harder than others.

Having a good and supportive husband helps with healing and forward movement. But Tia's story will forever be the story of some women, and I worry for those women. Some will get out like she and I did, but most won't. Instead, they will live like robots forever. Some will even die like Tia feared she would.

This book tore open my heart and soul, reopening wounds I thought had closed forever. It made me angry, and I cried a lot while reading it. But it also helped me heal those old wounds. It cleared debris still hiding in the corners of my mind that was continuing to torment me. So, while it destroyed me, it also helped me see just how far I've come in my healing journey and not fear the next stage of it.

The Healthy Freedom of Time

 Four and a half years ago, I made a Facebook post about the world shutting down. At the time, everything seemed daunting and overwhelming. The rest of that year proved to be scary in many ways. It was a year filled with grief, stress, frustration, and more. But looking back, I also see it as one of the best years I have ever had.

2020 was, despite everything, the healthiest year of my life. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and even financially, it was the healthiest I have ever been. 

Knowing that everything was on my timetable and by my choosing released a freedom inside of me that I had never had before. My husband was home. My kids could entertain and do for themselves. There were no visitors. I could walk for hours or seclude myself with a book without feeling like I was neglecting my family. Even housework was less because we were home to deal with it at the moment instead of scrambling from one activity to another.

I do not miss the fear of catching Covid. I do not miss the turmoil of dividing lines with our family members (which are still frigidly but infrequently crossed). But I do miss the way that year healed me, the way that year supported me. I miss the feeling of loving all of me and my life. I miss feeling happy, safe, and healthy in my skin and in my mind.

I realized earlier this year that I had been searching for that feeling again. It is probably one of the strongest motivators for finding myself back working from home. Four years ago, I saw what a happy, satisfied me looked like. Now that the kids are even older and more independent, that freedom to take care of me is coming back, and I am ready to seize it and see what else I can do with it to make my life happy and healthy again.

Untamed part 2

 I regularly come across a quote that suggests thinking about all the books you have, like a wine collection, instead of a to-read list. You choose the right one for the moment of life that you are in and enjoy it. I never felt so connected to this quote as I did while reading Untamed. I know that I shared my review of Untamed by Glennon Doyle a few weeks ago, but I have so many thoughts on this book, and they keep fueling my writing.

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When I started reading Untamed, it had been on my bookshelf for almost 10 months. I meant to get to it, but it didn't happen. Noticing that a local book club I was considering joining was reading it finally got me to take it off the shelf and dive into it. And dive, I did.

Oh my word, I was in tears by the book's second section. I cannot connect with poetry for my life, but she reprinted a poem that hit me deep in my soul. This was the perfect time for my soul, heart, and mind to read this book.

I have been diligently trying to follow all of the green flags the universe has been sending me this year. By consciously choosing to follow the signs and my gut, I have repeatedly been rewarded with "atta girl" signs from the universe. Untamed being read when I did was one of those signs. Not only is the late-stage life transformation of acknowledging, accepting, and nurturing your authentic self something resonating through my soul like a gong, but the book format is something I have been talking about lately.

It is a memoir in short essays, and each bit is just a couple of powerful pages. This format is fairly new to me but fits my writing style perfectly. I had been actively considering writing this style and project for weeks before reading this book. The kicker is that I had zero idea that this was the format until I got into it.

I also cannot ignore the mathematical coincidence, either. I had owned this book for around 40 weeks before reading it. I finally picked it up at the beginning stages of making some radical and rebirthingesque changes to parts of my life. This book could not have been read at a more fitting time when I needed an encouraging woman to reassure me of my new life choices.

Renewed Fears

 

I am trying not to cry. I am tired of crying. I feel unstable. The world feels unstable. I have moments of strength, but they are overshadowed by moments of weakness. The weak moments feel more powerful than the strong ones. 

Nothing is the same as it was. Nothing will ever be the same again. I am afraid to go anywhere. Fearful of any building that is not my house. And now there is rain coming down, along with thunder and some wind that makes me fearful, too.

I am so tired of being afraid. I'm tired of being uncertain and unstable. I'm tired of being tired, which is its own problem. I'm barely sleeping, and when I do, it isn't good sleep. My brain needs rest, and I can't seem to get any.

I wrote all of those words above in the early days of the pandemic. The world had been shut down for about two weeks at the time when I wrote all of those words in my journal. Little did I know just how much those words would follow me through the rest of that year.

As we move into the new election season, I feel these same things creeping back into my life and brain. My fear and anxiety for our nation and our future are increasing daily. This time, though, I am not afraid of a virus that we didn't understand; this time, it is about a virus that we do understand: people.

People are complicated, but we all want the same basic thing: to be treated kindly no matter who we are, how we worship, who we love, or our ethnic heritage. My fear is that regardless of the November election outcome, people will become meaner instead of nicer, and mean people are destructive people. Mean people destroy souls, families, and anything that they see as contrary to their (always right) opinions. 

I know that no matter who wins the presidential election, there will not be unity, even within their own party. But I do know that one side cares more about the people who make up this nation, and the other side just wants to win a trophy. So, while I don't typically do this, I urge you to remember how you felt four years ago regarding the state of our nation, and then I urge you to vote in a way that calms your fears and encourages the future you want the next generations to be proud of.

Writer's Conference Block

 I have been in a funk, a rut, a hole of sorts. I spent days unable to find motivation for anything productive. I came home from a writing conference and was repelled by the idea of writing anything. I could only describe it like being in front of an electric fence; I'm not going through it but I couldn't figure out how to find the off switch. Yesterday, I spent some time organizing my life and my thoughts. That action alone helped me to see where my obstacle was coming from.

We had a speaker at the writer's conference who was wonderful...for a group. I had the chance to talk with this person one-on-one, and their goal was to tell everyone that their writing projects were awful. As I talked with them about an upcoming project, they interrupted me and said, "This sounds like a book about mental health." While I'm sure mental health will play a role, it is not the focus, nor did I say anything about writing a book.

I am also one of many who had this experience with this conference speaker. Everyone I talked to who had a chance at a one-on-one with them had the exact same experience. They were interrupted, and their writing visions were talked about in ways that they never described. So, while many pieces of advice from this person were great for promoting our work, I absolutely would not approach them for help with publishing my writing.

Yesterday, while organizing, I finally realized that my recent mood had been caused by that conversation at the conference. It was like the conversations I have had with so many in my lifetime, which always seem to have the same message: you might not be good enough, so why even try? The irony is that I was struggling with those ghost voices of the past while preparing to go to the conference, and then I found one there, too! Why always do the people who should be encouraging you constructively decide to be destructive? 

Now that I have realized why I have been so malaised about writing, I am doing my best to ignore the ghosts and listen to the ones who are actually cheering me on. Maybe with enough cheering, I will be able to evict the ghosts. 

A Weekend for Me and my Career

 I took a weekend entirely away from home. I spent all weekend alone in a hotel at a writer's conference. All of that is just odd. I haven't gone anywhere alone that wasn't to take care of family things since I was in high school.

But here I am, channeling my inner Hemingway, drinking cocktails at the hotel bar with my pens and paper. 

In reality, I am trying to make sense of my mental overload of information, ideas, and imposter syndrome. And as I say, an idea for a writing project pops into my head. Go figure.

I just want to find a cohesive way to integrate all the things that I enjoy—writing, reading, yoga, travel, wine—into something that helps to counter the expenses of those hobbies. Even $100 a month for a writing project would cover a book, book club wine, and at least two yoga sessions in that same month. 

Now I need to take the time to reverse engineer that goal and find the ways to do it. And that is the hardest part of all. 

Self Understanding

 I have been trying to be quiet and listen.

Listen to my body. Listen to my family. Listen to the world around me. Listen to my soul.

There is a lot of noise, but I am trying to listen.

In listening comes learning. I am learning that I don't know as much as I think I do, that I am uncertain about what drives me, and that I still have so much learning left to do.

I am also frustrated. I feel stuck and stagnant. Strides are made, forward movement happens, and then somehow, I end up stuck like I walked into a gigantic pit of mud. 

This is for every aspect of life: finances, marriage, career, dreams, goals, parenting.

I feel like I don't know myself these days. I am having trouble recognizing myself in my daily life. I don't know if I am doing the right things. Every choice feels like the wrong choice like there is a better one out there that I haven't discovered yet.

I don't feel like myself. 

I had an anxiety meltdown a few days ago that I haven't fully recovered from. Old habits were coming in hard, and it took every ounce of strength to fight them off. It was exhausting and depressing. I was doing so well for so long. I know that slips will come sometimes, but it feels like a defeat when it happens.

But now, I continue to work through the slip. I work to climb back up to where I was and then work to go further. I know that is the only way to help everything: the frustration and the feeling of being stuck. I know that they are all connected with the anxiety slip, and I know that in time, I will have forgotten all about this because I will have pushed through greater than before.

Find Yourself at Home

 Spending 20 years in the military living in military housing, it is hard to make a home feel like your own. You are a renter, and you know that you’ll be leaving within three years, so feeling 100% at home and moved in is challenging to attain. You do your best, but it’s never quite there. You cannot do big things; even something like painting a room can become a bigger hassle when it’s moveout time (I say from experience). So we hang curtains and pictures and wait for the next assignment so we can do it all over again.

I wish that I had a copy of Find Yourself at Home during those years, but now that we are retired and in our forever home, I am finding its value for my life and home to be tremendous.

I am an affiliate member of Amazon and bookshop.org, so any purchases through this post's links will earn me a commission. Check out the about page for more information on that and how I get my hands on these fantastic books.

It is true that the vibe and atmosphere of your home translate to your life. Making a change, even a small one, can make a massive difference in your attitude and energy. Before reading this book, I knew I wanted to make changes around our house, but I didn’t know what to do. While reading, though, I could think through my home and feel inspired so that I could be deliberate and intentional in the changes I made. Some changes were big, like completely redoing my home office and painting our home gym; others were small, like replacing the kitchen cabinet handles and adding plants to rooms.

Those changes we have made, both large and small, have led to positive mental and emotional changes in myself and my family. As we continue to settle in, I will revisit this book for guidance to fully find myself at home.

Work Related Headaches

 I have been trying to listen more to my body when it is telling me something, but lately, I am beginning to have a love-hate relationship with it and its cues.

Yesterday, I finished a large project I had been plotting for over a year. It took over a week, but my home office is finally done. I have created a space that is mine and will help bring productivity and inspiration to my working hours. I have been looking forward to finishing this space for so long, and it felt amazing to finally get it done yesterday.

Today, I woke up with a massive headache. It's not quite a migraine, but you know it will get to that point if you don't medicate quickly and take it easy. It did not take long for me to connect the headache to the finished office space.

Now that the office is how I want it, there is no reason not to get writing projects going and out to places where they can be published. This is daunting
and a bit overwhelming. It means that I am the only barrier to the next stage of my writing career. And since I also spent the last three nights dreaming about one of my projects, it is no wonder I woke up with a headache.

So now it's a matter of getting out of my own way, pushing through my insecurities, and using the perfect office that I've created as it should be used. And keep the ibuprofen handy for any other writing-related headaches that pop up.

Untamed

 A book reader’s to-be-read list is often built from their soul. Sometimes, you will pull a book from the shelf to read that has been sitting for a long time, but as you get into it, you realize that your soul needs that book at that moment. For me, this year, that book was Untamed by Glennon Doyle.

I am an affiliate member of Amazon and bookshop.org, so any purchases through this post's links will earn me a commission. Check out the about page for more information on that and how I get my hands on these fantastic books.

It is a memoir in essays that relays Doyle’s story and transition of becoming a woman who is comfortable in her skin and confident in who she is as a person, a wife, and a mother. She shares some of her most vulnerable moments and thoughts with readers and how she has lived, grown, and learned from them. She talks of marriage, addiction, parenting, mental health, career shifts, and more.

What’s beautiful about her writing is her willingness to be vulnerable. In that vulnerability, she doesn’t hold back, she lays it all out–the ugly and the pretty–and we see the growth in her life in her writing. I wish that I could allow myself to be that vulnerable in my writing; maybe one day.

So many of her essays hit me deep in my soul. Some days, I could only read one because her words resonated so much that all I could do was sit and be in my thoughts and feelings for a while. That this book had been on my shelf for about nine months before I started reading it and that I began reading it as I began the process of a career and life shift is no coincidence. Again, my soul was in deep need of this book at this moment.

Everyone should read this book, especially women, but everyone would be better. We all have things that hold us back that we have to work through, things that have tamed us. Using her stories and experience, Doyle shows the world that we can be untamed and retrained to break free from what has been holding us back from being our authentic selves.

Savor

 Sometimes, a book just gets to you. It gets into your mind, your soul, and your feelings. I recently finished reading Savor, by Fatima Ali, and it has infiltrated my mind, soul, and feelings.

I am an affiliate member of Amazon and bookshop.org, so any purchases through this post's links will earn me a commission. Check out the about page for more information on that and how I get my hands on these fantastic books.

If you’re unfamiliar with Fatima Ali, that means you don’t watch many cooking competition shows. She was introduced to so many people around the world by competing on Chopped and, more infamously, Top Chef. She always cooked with her soul and her heritage in every dish. Her dream was to awaken Americans to the delicious beauty of her native Pakistani cuisine. However, her dream had to be lived by someone else because, at the age of 29, she died of cancer.

The first 75% of the book has chapters from both Fatima and her mother discussing Fatima’s childhood and upbringing in Pakistan. They also discuss her move to the United States for culinary school and all of the opportunities that came afterward. They talk of the good and the bad, the struggles of family, and the unconditional support from those you love when you have a dream.

The last 25% is about her cancer battle, still with chapters by both Fatima and her mother. They talk of the death of Fatima’s dreams along with her body. They discuss the frustration, grief, stress, and heartache of watching a loved one die. But they also talk about the difficulties in processing a mother losing a child. 

As a mom, I felt the anguish coming off the pages. I felt sadness for her going through losing her child, watching her child die, and not being able to imagine being in that position. And then I look at Fatima’s bucket list and am reminded that my children will be left behind by me one day, and I need to fulfill their bucket lists with them, to leave them full of memories of a mom who made their dreams a reality.

While this was a heartwrenching read, I am so glad I read it. She has a fantastic story, and she wanted to inspire other women to take risks and live their dreams. Hopefully, her memoir will do that throughout generations to come.

The Women

 In 1965, America was changing. The children born during and right after World War Two were now adults, and they began envisioning America their way. Born the children of patriotic veterans, they are now watching their friends and brothers be sent to Vietnam for a war that doesn't make sense. But the patriots will still do the right thing: volunteer to serve their country. Finley McGrath is one such patriot, and so is his little sister, Frankie.

The McGraths were raised on stories of military heroism. The men joined up while the women made homes that supported their servicemembers. Frankie, however, isn't ready to settle down and become a housewife. She has a brand new degree in nursing, and there's a war that needs nurses, so Frankie signs up with the Army Nurse Corps and heads to Vietnam.

Every day, Frankie sees the worst of war. She also builds bonds with those she serves. Those who understand. When she returns home, though, it is an entirely different war. No one wants to believe that women were in Vietnam, and everyone thinks that Frankie needs to put that part of her life away and move forward. But without the support she needs to cope with the war experiences, Frankie feels like she's just a disappointing failure to everyone.

I am an affiliate member of Amazon and bookshop.org, so any purchases through this post's links will earn me a commission. Check out the about page for more information on that and how I get my hands on these fantastic books.

The Women is a tragic and beautiful story in a typical Kristin Hannah style. It is a story that desperately needed to be told. While it focuses on one woman, it spotlights the fact that female servicemembers are often forgotten about. Those women need all the support that their male counterparts get.

I did have points where I struggled while reading. As a military spouse, PTSD sufferer, and child of an addict, some things were difficult to read. But these things are the reality for many people, and just because they hit too close to home doesn't mean I should avoid them because those stories are just as valid as mine.

I can say that this is one book that lives up to all of the hype it has been given, and I recommend it highly, especially for book clubs, as it has so many perspectives for discussion.

Reading with Global Intentionality

 I turned 40 earlier this month. It’s big, but I always knew it was coming. Two years ago, I set myself on a reading challenge to see how globally I could read by my 40th birthday. 

I have always been a diverse reader, but I know I can get stuck in location ruts, so I set out to see how many places I could read about in two years. This could be done through the setting in a fiction book, a location for a memoir or biography, or just learning about that location in a non-fiction book. Going in, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do every country within the two-year deadline, so it was more about seeing how far I could travel when being intentional about my settings.

By being deliberate about finding new locations, I’ve read books I would never have picked up otherwise; I enjoyed some that I did not. By seeking new places, I found my literary horizons expanding not just globally but with new authors, new types of stories, and new understanding of cultures other than my own.

Where have I been able to travel read over the last two years? I have read books set in 33 of the 50 states (taking recommendations for the Dakotas and Idaho). And I have read books set in 47 countries, including El Salvador, Lebanon, Tanzania, and Croatia. I am working off of a list of 201 certified and named countries, so ending at around 25% isn’t bad, especially since I know that I read some countries more than once (default of a historical fiction junkie). 

Just because my 40th birthday has now passed doesn’t mean that I am finished. Far from it, I’ve already got books set in far-off places waiting for me to dive into soon. I will continue to read with global intentionality, and now I want to see how long it takes for me to mark off every state and country from the list. 

Do you have a favorite book set in a place where you don’t live? Drop the title so I can check it out!

Thoughts after a conversation

 Mental health is important to me.

Words that are followed up by actions are important to me.

Being kind and caring to others is important to me.

Having your family accept who you are is important to me.

Having someone treat you as they expect to be treated is important to me.

Being true to my values and core beliefs of kindness and acceptance in important to me.

Being told that I am in the wrong for focusing on what is important to me, on what furthers my hopes of healing myself and the world, is not alright with me. 

Being told this by someone who claims they can see through our differences but then refuses to accept my being different from them is not alright with me.

Sharing my feelings in a way of taking care of my mental health to then be told that I am being mean and hypocritical is not alright with me. 

Being accused of saying things I did not say is not alright with me.

More After the Break

At one point in my life, I wanted to become a journalist. That changed in the spring of 1999 when journalists invaded my community in ways that were unforgivable at the time. To be fair, we were the exception back then. In 1999, a school shooting was instantly national news, especially one as destructive as ours.

Even so, they still felt intrusive. I remember walking into church on a Sunday morning after attending a classmate's funeral the day before and having someone offer me condolences because they saw me on the news the night before in a camera pan clip of funeralgoers. I did not even know that news crews were there.

I recently read Jen Maxwell's memoir, More After the Break, in which she revisits some of the news stories that she covered that have had the most impact on her over her years of reporting. Through her stories, I have gained a new perspective on those reporting through the tragic moments that happen. Looking back almost 24 years later, I see how the reporters and news crews were just doing their jobs. Some of our local news people were possibly trying to find information on their niece or nephew; maybe they were related to a staff member.

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I had never thought to give them that type of consideration before. Until I had read Maxwell's book, I still saw them as unfeeling, cold-hearted leeches. I mean, they had us on the news for months without any appearance of sympathy or understanding for our situation, so why wouldn't we hate them.

Maxwell's entire book is interesting, but the last two chapters really tugged at me. I cried, smiled, and saw the side of journalism that interested and intrigued me in my younger days. I remembered the pre-Columbine girl who wanted to tell stories about her community and the world around her. I never lost my desire to write or share stories about what is happening around me. And now that I realize that doing their jobs on the worst day of my life wasn't easy on the newscasters either, I feel bad that I have spent over 20 years being angry with them.

Losing what you never had

 They say you can’t lose what you never had, but you can. And sometimes that hurts.

I have two children, but it is highly likely that I will never be a grandmother. Most days, I am good with that. It doesn’t usually phase me at all; it is just what is likely. I knew

that eventually, I would have a day where this fact would hurt, and today was the first of those days.

Having grandchildren has never been an expectation, but knowing it may not happen still brings a level of grief and disappointment. I’m at a point in life where some of the friends I have raised my babies with are becoming grandparents, and I know that means that I’ll be having more days like this as I see them experience things that I likely won’t get to do. 

We were out today, and I saw a junior edition of one of the games our family loves to play. I picked it up to look at it, and my husband saw something on my face because he asked me who I would buy it for. All I could do in response was cry. I cried because my first thought when I saw it was that it would be great for our daughter’s kids since she loves the original version. And since our daughter probably cannot have children, I probably won’t have grandchildren to buy that game for. And every time I think about it, I cry all over again.

But I know that not every day will be hard. And when the hard days come, I need to acknowledge, accept, and validate those feelings because they’re natural and reasonable to have and won’t last forever.

Rowing

A while ago, I read something about the meditative aspect of repetitive workouts-running, swimming, etc. The innate movement, when you can get lost in it and zone out or think through life, especially when you are overwhelmed, can be healing mentally while you are physically caring for your body.

The last few months have been extremely busy and laden with stress of all kinds. I noticed that I was gravitating toward my rowing machine through all of it when it came time to work out. After I read that article, I understood why.

Rowing is repetitive: you sit, pull, slide up, and then do it all over again. I often gaze out the window or even close my eyes when I row. It is just easy for me to get lost in the movement and feel my brain settle for a while. And it has felt amazing to find that space just to be quiet.

Next week begins a new round of stress-inducing activities. But knowing that my rower is waiting for me every day to be there when I need a moment of quiet comfort while also working out frustrations makes it all easier to face.