A Well-Trained Wife

 I just finished reading Tia Levings's intense memoir, A Well-Trained Wife, and I need to write a review for it, but I'm having a hard time putting things into words. This one hit extremely close to home, and I think I am fearful of putting that all on paper and out into the world.

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This woman grew up in church being taught the exact same things I was during my youth group years and into college. She was in a stricter church, a more fundamentalist church, but the teachings were essentially the same. Now, every person translates and understands their own way, but within the church, the teachings about women are only taught with one perspective, across the board, with the loudest voice: women are nothing without men, and we are only here to serve them. Some places and people find a healthy balance to this teaching, but many others within the evangelical church do not. Tia's husband and social group did not find that healthy balance; theirs was extreme, toxic, and abusive. Her husband's requirements of her as a biblically submissive wife nearly killed her.

My husband sees us as partners; there was never any expectation of me other than doing what was essential to care for our home and our children, and since I was a stay-at-home mom, he trusted my judgment on what that looked like. But that was not always my life. I grew up in a toxic, mentally abusive household. Many things that Tia experienced from her husband with mental and emotional manipulation I experienced with my parents. Many of her experiences with her pastors and fellow church members, her friends, I experienced with mine as well. She and I read the same books--encouraged by the church--about marriage, parenting, and managing a household. And those books did more damage to us as we tried to follow the teachings so that we would have the perfect Christian home.

As I said, my husband was completely different than hers, and after nine years of marriage, parenting, and overbearing church life, we walked away from all things church related. That decision has saved my sanity and possibly my marriage. But things were not an instant fix. Even now, twelve years later, I still struggle with the expectations I perceive. Our parents and some siblings don't understand, nor do they try to understand, why we left and will never go back. These are the same people who enforced, encouraged, and carried out toxic and abusive behaviors. They see this choice as being disobedient to their teachings and expectations. They want us to submit to their requests of going to visit them so that they can try to manipulate me again. They get angry that I won't do as they ask. Some days are harder than others.

Having a good and supportive husband helps with healing and forward movement. But Tia's story will forever be the story of some women, and I worry for those women. Some will get out like she and I did, but most won't. Instead, they will live like robots forever. Some will even die like Tia feared she would.

This book tore open my heart and soul, reopening wounds I thought had closed forever. It made me angry, and I cried a lot while reading it. But it also helped me heal those old wounds. It cleared debris still hiding in the corners of my mind that was continuing to torment me. So, while it destroyed me, it also helped me see just how far I've come in my healing journey and not fear the next stage of it.