Losing what you never had

 They say you can’t lose what you never had, but you can. And sometimes that hurts.

I have two children, but it is highly likely that I will never be a grandmother. Most days, I am good with that. It doesn’t usually phase me at all; it is just what is likely. I knew

that eventually, I would have a day where this fact would hurt, and today was the first of those days.

Having grandchildren has never been an expectation, but knowing it may not happen still brings a level of grief and disappointment. I’m at a point in life where some of the friends I have raised my babies with are becoming grandparents, and I know that means that I’ll be having more days like this as I see them experience things that I likely won’t get to do. 

We were out today, and I saw a junior edition of one of the games our family loves to play. I picked it up to look at it, and my husband saw something on my face because he asked me who I would buy it for. All I could do in response was cry. I cried because my first thought when I saw it was that it would be great for our daughter’s kids since she loves the original version. And since our daughter probably cannot have children, I probably won’t have grandchildren to buy that game for. And every time I think about it, I cry all over again.

But I know that not every day will be hard. And when the hard days come, I need to acknowledge, accept, and validate those feelings because they’re natural and reasonable to have and won’t last forever.

Rowing

A while ago, I read something about the meditative aspect of repetitive workouts-running, swimming, etc. The innate movement, when you can get lost in it and zone out or think through life, especially when you are overwhelmed, can be healing mentally while you are physically caring for your body.

The last few months have been extremely busy and laden with stress of all kinds. I noticed that I was gravitating toward my rowing machine through all of it when it came time to work out. After I read that article, I understood why.

Rowing is repetitive: you sit, pull, slide up, and then do it all over again. I often gaze out the window or even close my eyes when I row. It is just easy for me to get lost in the movement and feel my brain settle for a while. And it has felt amazing to find that space just to be quiet.

Next week begins a new round of stress-inducing activities. But knowing that my rower is waiting for me every day to be there when I need a moment of quiet comfort while also working out frustrations makes it all easier to face.

Inside Out

While cleaning out my office recently, I found a journal entry I wrote sometime in 2020. I still feel that these ideas are ones to keep in mind despite being a few years separated from the pandemic chaos, so I thought I’d share that with you.

In a rare moment of being alone this morning, I decided to watch Inside Out. I have wanted to watch it for a few days, and today gave me the time and opportunity.

For those that need a refresher, it is a Disney movie that goes through the turmoil of emotions experienced by an 11-year-old girl during a large change in her life. If you have seen the movie, you know that it is about feelings and how experiencing those feelings makes us who we are as a person. It demonstrates and explains how our emotions evolve as we grow and experience new things. By the end of the movie, you remember, or maybe learn, that memory is built on more than one emotion. All of our experiences are mixed emotions that form that piece of our lives.

I feel like this reminder is critical right now. We are all experiencing new things or new combinations of emotions. I know my feelings mix has been all kinds of new combinations throughout every day.

But these combinations build the people we will be when this is over. It is revealing new aspects of who we each are as a person. Some of that may not be good (like realizing that you are angrier than you originally thought), but we have time to learn and work through these new revelations.

I am trying to be intentional with sorting through my emotional combinations. I have been trying to talk them through with my family because they are experiencing their own combinations of emotional mixups.

This pandemic and all that has come with it is shaping who we are now and who we will be moving forward. Focusing on the pieces of that mentally and emotionally will help us to understand it better.

Fight Back

Children of the latchkey generation are standing up for themselves and our health, especially our mental health. 

We grew up in daycare and after-school programs, sometimes before school, too, because our parents worked 50+ hours a week.

We were signed up for every sport or extracurricular until we found something we enjoyed, and then it became our way to a better life.

We split time between school, activities, jobs, and our parents' homes; many of us had two homes due to having divorced parents. We had to please people and be the best in all of those places.

We experienced burnout before we hit puberty. We didn’t know what it was then and pushed through as we were told. But we know now, and now we’re fighting back.

But our parents, teachers, coaches, bosses, and even friends are mad that we are finally pushing back. But why are they mad? Who knows, and who has the energy to find out? Not me because I’m setting boundaries and refocusing.

When I began setting boundaries and sticking up for myself, when I began truly advocating for what I needed, it was difficult. It still is. But I like this version of myself better than earlier versions. My marriage and parenting are better. My sleep is better. My physical health is better.

Yes, some of my relationships don’t seem better, but maybe they need to be removed or at least adjusted. And yes, that is hard, but it is worth it. 

So, find new friends. Change jobs if possible. Take the silence when they cold-shoulder you. You are doing the right thing because you are taking care of yourself.

Walking away from books

As you may know, I read a lot. I am typically a 115+ books a year type of reader. It is just who I have always been.

Lately, I have hit an unusual reading conundrum in that I am getting about 60-70% of the way through a book, and then not caring about finishing it. I have done that with three books this year. They cross genres and story types, so it isn’t that I am bored with anything specific I can point at. But for some reason, I am getting bored after reading ⅔ of a book.

Typically, if I am not enjoying a book, I notice it early into the reading process, and then I’ll walk away. But this far in, I feel like I should stick it out, and yet I have had no guilt about setting them aside and moving on. I think that as I get older, I don’t have the patience to push through with anything that I am not enjoying, and that includes books. There are so many things in our daily lives that cause displeasure that we have no control over, so maybe walking away from a boring book is a way to take back some control in my life. We regularly walk away from plenty of other things when we tire of them, and they no longer feed our soul–movies, hobbies, meals, conversations, jobs, relationships–so why not leave a book behind to find one that brings pleasure back into my reading time?

Is this just me? Do you walk away from books that far in? 

Struggling

I am struggling to find contentment in my life lately. I constantly feel like I'm failing at something. I am unhappy with my work-life balance. I have been questioning whether I want to return to my school job after the summer break. I am in a position financially where the extra money is nice, but we don’t need it to survive.

A few weeks before summer break, I ended up at home on a work day because I hurt myself and decided to give myself a healing day. And while I couldn't do much around the house to get caught up on things, what I could do felt amazing for my soul. I was able to do things for my home and my family that I hadn’t done in months. 

Currently being on summer break, the family care part of my soul is fed, and even when I’m feeling stressed, I am still relaxed. But then I get a text from a coworker or run into one of my school kids in the store, and I miss them, but they also instantly cause stress in my body.

If I leave my job, I would miss socializing, the kids, and the extra money, but my mental health would improve. I wouldn’t feel like I'm neglecting my family because work exhausts me mentally. But I worry that I would feel like a weak slacker who couldn’t handle being out in the working world instead of working from home. 

What sucks the most is that being home and being at work each feed different parts of me that need to be fed. So no matter what I choose, I forfeit something I want while keeping something I want.

Free Food

Are you afraid of free food? I don’t mean someone paying for your meal. I mean the end of a communal meal or clear out the pantry, free food that you then take home and use to feed your family. As a military spouse, even if I was at one point in my life, I am definitely not afraid of free food.

Let’s be blunt, most military families are not paid a reasonable wage. So options are to get creative with meal planning, go into debt to give your family a basic necessity or take the freebies when you can get them. I have been in the take the free stuff then creative meal pan camp for a long time.

In the military world, our friends and neighbors move regularly and try as we do we can never use up the food in our freezers and pantry before moving day, which means it gets trashed or given away. More often than not, we give it away and gladly take it from those giving. I know this seems weird to some people, but for many, especially enlisted military families, this is how we survive. We have aged out of WIC, and somehow we make too much for food stamps, so it’s either take whatever handout we can or go into debt. My house is reaching the point of retirement and civilian jobs, but that mindset never leaves.

I work as a school secretary, and we are often gifted food from parents and community members. The week leading into spring break was parent-teacher conferences which meant long days. During those long days, our PTO, principals, and community members gifted us with snacks, lunches, and dinners. At the end of it, my Assistant Principal sent me home with all the leftovers because it was that or trash them, and I was not letting any of that go to waste.

That meant my son and husband spent a few days eating leftover pizzas and sandwiches for lunches. It meant that we had a lot of donuts for snacks and breakfasts. And it meant that I took apart both a veggie tray and a cheese and hummus tray, then meal planned using those pieces for dinners over the break. Were they the best meals? Probably not, but we didn’t go hungry, and my food budget was given a little reprieve.

Being open to food in this way has not only been smart for my budget, but it has made me a better and more creative cook. And it has shown that free food from someone else’s pantry isn’t necessarily bad.