A Well-Trained Wife

 I just finished reading Tia Levings's intense memoir, A Well-Trained Wife, and I need to write a review for it, but I'm having a hard time putting things into words. This one hit extremely close to home, and I think I am fearful of putting that all on paper and out into the world.

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This woman grew up in church being taught the exact same things I was during my youth group years and into college. She was in a stricter church, a more fundamentalist church, but the teachings were essentially the same. Now, every person translates and understands their own way, but within the church, the teachings about women are only taught with one perspective, across the board, with the loudest voice: women are nothing without men, and we are only here to serve them. Some places and people find a healthy balance to this teaching, but many others within the evangelical church do not. Tia's husband and social group did not find that healthy balance; theirs was extreme, toxic, and abusive. Her husband's requirements of her as a biblically submissive wife nearly killed her.

My husband sees us as partners; there was never any expectation of me other than doing what was essential to care for our home and our children, and since I was a stay-at-home mom, he trusted my judgment on what that looked like. But that was not always my life. I grew up in a toxic, mentally abusive household. Many things that Tia experienced from her husband with mental and emotional manipulation I experienced with my parents. Many of her experiences with her pastors and fellow church members, her friends, I experienced with mine as well. She and I read the same books--encouraged by the church--about marriage, parenting, and managing a household. And those books did more damage to us as we tried to follow the teachings so that we would have the perfect Christian home.

As I said, my husband was completely different than hers, and after nine years of marriage, parenting, and overbearing church life, we walked away from all things church related. That decision has saved my sanity and possibly my marriage. But things were not an instant fix. Even now, twelve years later, I still struggle with the expectations I perceive. Our parents and some siblings don't understand, nor do they try to understand, why we left and will never go back. These are the same people who enforced, encouraged, and carried out toxic and abusive behaviors. They see this choice as being disobedient to their teachings and expectations. They want us to submit to their requests of going to visit them so that they can try to manipulate me again. They get angry that I won't do as they ask. Some days are harder than others.

Having a good and supportive husband helps with healing and forward movement. But Tia's story will forever be the story of some women, and I worry for those women. Some will get out like she and I did, but most won't. Instead, they will live like robots forever. Some will even die like Tia feared she would.

This book tore open my heart and soul, reopening wounds I thought had closed forever. It made me angry, and I cried a lot while reading it. But it also helped me heal those old wounds. It cleared debris still hiding in the corners of my mind that was continuing to torment me. So, while it destroyed me, it also helped me see just how far I've come in my healing journey and not fear the next stage of it.

The Healthy Freedom of Time

 Four and a half years ago, I made a Facebook post about the world shutting down. At the time, everything seemed daunting and overwhelming. The rest of that year proved to be scary in many ways. It was a year filled with grief, stress, frustration, and more. But looking back, I also see it as one of the best years I have ever had.

2020 was, despite everything, the healthiest year of my life. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and even financially, it was the healthiest I have ever been. 

Knowing that everything was on my timetable and by my choosing released a freedom inside of me that I had never had before. My husband was home. My kids could entertain and do for themselves. There were no visitors. I could walk for hours or seclude myself with a book without feeling like I was neglecting my family. Even housework was less because we were home to deal with it at the moment instead of scrambling from one activity to another.

I do not miss the fear of catching Covid. I do not miss the turmoil of dividing lines with our family members (which are still frigidly but infrequently crossed). But I do miss the way that year healed me, the way that year supported me. I miss the feeling of loving all of me and my life. I miss feeling happy, safe, and healthy in my skin and in my mind.

I realized earlier this year that I had been searching for that feeling again. It is probably one of the strongest motivators for finding myself back working from home. Four years ago, I saw what a happy, satisfied me looked like. Now that the kids are even older and more independent, that freedom to take care of me is coming back, and I am ready to seize it and see what else I can do with it to make my life happy and healthy again.

Untamed part 2

 I regularly come across a quote that suggests thinking about all the books you have, like a wine collection, instead of a to-read list. You choose the right one for the moment of life that you are in and enjoy it. I never felt so connected to this quote as I did while reading Untamed. I know that I shared my review of Untamed by Glennon Doyle a few weeks ago, but I have so many thoughts on this book, and they keep fueling my writing.

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When I started reading Untamed, it had been on my bookshelf for almost 10 months. I meant to get to it, but it didn't happen. Noticing that a local book club I was considering joining was reading it finally got me to take it off the shelf and dive into it. And dive, I did.

Oh my word, I was in tears by the book's second section. I cannot connect with poetry for my life, but she reprinted a poem that hit me deep in my soul. This was the perfect time for my soul, heart, and mind to read this book.

I have been diligently trying to follow all of the green flags the universe has been sending me this year. By consciously choosing to follow the signs and my gut, I have repeatedly been rewarded with "atta girl" signs from the universe. Untamed being read when I did was one of those signs. Not only is the late-stage life transformation of acknowledging, accepting, and nurturing your authentic self something resonating through my soul like a gong, but the book format is something I have been talking about lately.

It is a memoir in short essays, and each bit is just a couple of powerful pages. This format is fairly new to me but fits my writing style perfectly. I had been actively considering writing this style and project for weeks before reading this book. The kicker is that I had zero idea that this was the format until I got into it.

I also cannot ignore the mathematical coincidence, either. I had owned this book for around 40 weeks before reading it. I finally picked it up at the beginning stages of making some radical and rebirthingesque changes to parts of my life. This book could not have been read at a more fitting time when I needed an encouraging woman to reassure me of my new life choices.