Losing what you never had

 They say you can’t lose what you never had, but you can. And sometimes that hurts.

I have two children, but it is highly likely that I will never be a grandmother. Most days, I am good with that. It doesn’t usually phase me at all; it is just what is likely. I knew

that eventually, I would have a day where this fact would hurt, and today was the first of those days.

Having grandchildren has never been an expectation, but knowing it may not happen still brings a level of grief and disappointment. I’m at a point in life where some of the friends I have raised my babies with are becoming grandparents, and I know that means that I’ll be having more days like this as I see them experience things that I likely won’t get to do. 

We were out today, and I saw a junior edition of one of the games our family loves to play. I picked it up to look at it, and my husband saw something on my face because he asked me who I would buy it for. All I could do in response was cry. I cried because my first thought when I saw it was that it would be great for our daughter’s kids since she loves the original version. And since our daughter probably cannot have children, I probably won’t have grandchildren to buy that game for. And every time I think about it, I cry all over again.

But I know that not every day will be hard. And when the hard days come, I need to acknowledge, accept, and validate those feelings because they’re natural and reasonable to have and won’t last forever.

Rowing

A while ago, I read something about the meditative aspect of repetitive workouts-running, swimming, etc. The innate movement, when you can get lost in it and zone out or think through life, especially when you are overwhelmed, can be healing mentally while you are physically caring for your body.

The last few months have been extremely busy and laden with stress of all kinds. I noticed that I was gravitating toward my rowing machine through all of it when it came time to work out. After I read that article, I understood why.

Rowing is repetitive: you sit, pull, slide up, and then do it all over again. I often gaze out the window or even close my eyes when I row. It is just easy for me to get lost in the movement and feel my brain settle for a while. And it has felt amazing to find that space just to be quiet.

Next week begins a new round of stress-inducing activities. But knowing that my rower is waiting for me every day to be there when I need a moment of quiet comfort while also working out frustrations makes it all easier to face.

Inside Out

While cleaning out my office recently, I found a journal entry I wrote sometime in 2020. I still feel that these ideas are ones to keep in mind despite being a few years separated from the pandemic chaos, so I thought I’d share that with you.

In a rare moment of being alone this morning, I decided to watch Inside Out. I have wanted to watch it for a few days, and today gave me the time and opportunity.

For those that need a refresher, it is a Disney movie that goes through the turmoil of emotions experienced by an 11-year-old girl during a large change in her life. If you have seen the movie, you know that it is about feelings and how experiencing those feelings makes us who we are as a person. It demonstrates and explains how our emotions evolve as we grow and experience new things. By the end of the movie, you remember, or maybe learn, that memory is built on more than one emotion. All of our experiences are mixed emotions that form that piece of our lives.

I feel like this reminder is critical right now. We are all experiencing new things or new combinations of emotions. I know my feelings mix has been all kinds of new combinations throughout every day.

But these combinations build the people we will be when this is over. It is revealing new aspects of who we each are as a person. Some of that may not be good (like realizing that you are angrier than you originally thought), but we have time to learn and work through these new revelations.

I am trying to be intentional with sorting through my emotional combinations. I have been trying to talk them through with my family because they are experiencing their own combinations of emotional mixups.

This pandemic and all that has come with it is shaping who we are now and who we will be moving forward. Focusing on the pieces of that mentally and emotionally will help us to understand it better.